I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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