Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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