I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm passing your future prison.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
