i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
