Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
