while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
