3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
