Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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