I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
