Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
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As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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