ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
