vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Your penis caused this!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
