He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
