moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
