apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
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We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
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Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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