She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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