Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
