Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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