Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
