why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
