I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
