Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
