I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
