Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
BRING THE BAGELS
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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