Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
