I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
