..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
