I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Pooping to opera.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
