Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
