Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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