Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
