this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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