Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
