I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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