There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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