When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
