Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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