its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
