3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
it glows. i had to have it.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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