Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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