i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
God, I missed his penis.
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