my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
