my being single is dangerous.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
