god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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