By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
