I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
