he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
