I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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