Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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