you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
