Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
