I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I wear drunk well.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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