I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm having to shit out rocks
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