It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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