i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
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Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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