Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
